My name is Stephanie, and this is my story of how I found the Gospel. In July 2012, five days after our wedding, Justin and I moved to Provo so I could attend BYU law. My best friend, Christina, is Mormon and had introduced me to the church nine years before. I had a steady stream of exposure through her and another couple, Bob and Janae, for a few years. I never took it seriously, but I was always passively interested.
When we arrived in Provo, we sort of had a bet about how long it would take missionaries to show up on our door. A couple weeks in, Justin sent me a text after leaving for work “There are missionaries in our complex”. This is the part I was in denial about for a while…I decided to “take my dog for a walk” and “happened” to run into the Sisters, Sister Reif and Sister Quist. They immediately introduced themselves. They knew we weren’t members, and asked me a couple questions about where I was from, why I moved to Utah, etc. My husband and I did have some curiosity to kill, so I let them know we had questions. I warned them, however, that we didn’t want to be baptized, but had a few questions about things we’d heard. They excitedly said “We don’t only baptize people; we can answer questions, too!” I let them know which apartment we lived in and went on my way.
About a week later there was a knock on my door. The Sisters had come. Sister Quist had a new companion, Sister Smith. Justin wasn’t home, but I invited them in. We just talked about Justin and me, about why we moved to Provo. I gave them an idea of what we had questions about. They left me with a Book of Mormon. I had one copy already, but they left one for Justin. They challenged me to start reading it again. I told them I would, but I was going to “tear it apart” in order to “prove to myself it’s wrong” or something like that. They were both very supportive of that goal. Probably because they knew I wasn’t going to succeed in the latter part of it. We set an appointment and they left.
For the next five months we met with the Sisters every week. Sister Quist and Sister Smith eventually transferred, and towards the end of the five months we were meeting with Sister Cha and Sister Munden. By this time, I was growing weary. I had a few select friends and their spouses from school I would talk to about doctrinal issues from time to time. But mostly I was growing tired of the day to day effort that seemed to get me no where. We were reading scriptures every day, we were praying, we were going to church. I had acted on “Moroni’s Promise” several times. Still, nothing. Sure, there were times I felt good about the church…and if I was being honest, I was happier and our marriage seemed better. But I was still left with something to be desired. I had too many questions, too little answers, far too much doubt, and far too little faith.
Towards the middle of December as the fall semester was coming to a close, I had a lengthy conversation with a professor of mine who converted while he was attending BYU. I like to think of that conversation as sort of a turning point for me. He encouraged me to look for peace…So I decided that’s what I’d do. I would look for peace.
Sadly, later that week the Sisters decided not to teach us anymore. I had missed a baptismal date, and while I felt like I was still progressing, it was obvious to all of us that little more could be done to “teach us”. Still, I have to admit that was really hard for me. I sort of felt like I had completely failed. I was angry with the missionaries for “dropping” us, though in reality, I really shouldn’t have been. Still, it was easy to be angry with them. It was easy to blame the Church. It was an escape, a way out, a way I could stop investigating and prevent having to commit. So I did. For almost five weeks my Book of Mormon and other scriptures remained in a box, shoved in the back of my closet. We didn’t go to Church once. I don’t think I even said a prayer.
Those weeks where we were absent from the Gospel were really hard. I’ve struggled with depression for some time. It tends to come in random moments, but when it’s there, it’s a really dark place. It also will manifest itself in anger and bitterness. Sometime in those five weeks I began to realize that when I was being serious about my study of the Gospel, those moments were few and far between, maybe even nonexistent. Upon bringing this up to Justin, he suggested we ask the missionaries to come back over. He had the thought: We should ask for Elders. The next week, I asked the Sisters to meet me for lunch, and I asked if they could bring Elders over to talk to us. They needed to get permission from the Mission President but the next week, Elders were at our door. Their names were Elder Getts and Elder Hernandez
When the Elders came over the first week, I really didn’t want to listen to anything they had to say. They of course encouraged us to start reading scriptures again, start going to church again, etc…But I really didn’t want to. I think a part of me knew the answer and I was just looking for an easy way out of having to commit…That week, Janae asked me if I had gone and I had to say “No”. And I actually felt bad about having to admit I hadn’t gone. So the next week, I caved…
That Sunday I went to our stake conference….I left not really feeling great. Not feeling bad…but feeling frustrated. I still very pridefully believed I had done all I could to get my answer and it just wasn’t coming. In frustration, I said aloud on the drive home “I don’t get it; I really have done all I can…” And CLEAR as day, I got back…”Have you?” I knew that didn’t come from me. And it sort of surprised me…God wants me to do more??? So…I prayed about what more I could do. And the word sincerity and diligence kept coming to mind. I had been investigating, yes…but I’d go to church so the missionaries wouldn’t bug me about it, or wouldn’t drop me….I read my scriptures halfheartedly like they were a homework assignment. If I went to church, I went to Sacrament and then came home and treated it like it was any other day. Okay. There are some places to start.
I committed to read everyday with the intent and desire to know if it’s true…and not just to “get it out of the way”. I committed to go to church because I wanted to learn something and because I wanted to feel the Spirit…and I committed to spend my Sundays reflecting on all the scriptures I read during the week and the messages I heard at church instead of watching pointless television…I also committed to fast every Sunday.
It seems so obvious to me now that that’s all I really needed to do the entire time…but what can I say; I’m a stubborn little lamb.
A few weeks ago I attended a baptism and had a really great experience…The Spirit was so strong and I remember having a feeling of “light” fill me as I watched the person being baptized coming out of the water. The next day, though, I had a really hard spiritual experience.
That Monday I asked the Elders to give me a blessing. I don’t know how to explain how amazing it was. The first thing out of Elder Getts’ mouth was “Heavenly Father blesses you to know that this blessing comes from the power of God through Priesthood authority”. At that point, I began to feel something…spiritually, definitely…but also physically. I felt literal warmth spread across my skin over my entire body. The next thing that was said was something I’d actually been internally struggling with…something I have always struggled with. Something I had never told the Elders I had a hard time believing/accepting. There was no way he would have known to pray for that unless the Spirit had told him. So, it was pretty amazing. And it gave me something to grab on to…to finally have hope that I was getting somewhere and it was good.
I pondered the rest of that night what that blessing meant. I felt the same way I had felt at the baptism…the way I felt sometimes at church or when reading the scriptures. The way I felt around temples. The way I felt when the missionaries were over. The same feeling I have had countless times, only much more powerful. Something was very real and very powerful about that blessing. I wrote in my journal all that was said and everything I felt. Then I wrote a question: “Do you believe that the authority of the priesthood is in the LDS Church?” I tentatively felt the answer was “Yes”…but still…stubborn me wanted more.
The next day, Tuesday, Justin and I both had the night off. We decided to go for a drive. We ended up at Temple Square. I’ve been pretty good about carrying my scriptures with me, so we walked up to the steps on the east side and sat near the doors and read Moroni 7 (which has become one of my favorite chapters). I began to cry, as I realized the feeling I had was the same Spirit I felt during the baptism and during the blessing. I felt so safe. And so loved. It was a beautiful feeling.
Justin and I walked to the front of the temple and sat in the courtyard. I feel like we sat there for hours, though it was probably only minutes. I stared at the inscription of the front that read “House of the Lord” and thought back to when Justin and I had gone to the open house for Brigham City….I told the Sisters at that time that I felt like the temple felt like home…I thought about what home feels like…Love. Safety. Peace. Joy…..It’s all starting to make sense now. ..
I had been waiting to feel at peace with the decision to be baptized. I closed my eyes. Imagined myself being the one being baptized… I opened my eyes, looked at the temple again…and I felt all those feelings of joy, light, peace, hope, love, safety…all the feelings I’d ever had in my experiences with the church just came flooding all at once.
I asked Justin what he was thinking….he said he was feeling good. I asked him to do what I just did, to look at the temple and think about being baptized. He did. He then told me he wanted to set a date.
At that point, neither of us had gotten revelation or answers to our “big questions”. I didn’t have God tell me Joseph Smith was a prophet or that the Book of Mormon was true or the church was true…I just felt like this is what I needed to do. Feeling close to the Spirit, feeling led to this decision…was finally enough. All of the experiences we had had were finally enough. It took just the tiniest particle of faith to make the decision based on the feelings and experiences I had.
Then the most amazing thing happened. On the drive home the Holy Spirit confirmed to me that Joseph Smith was a prophet. The thought was accompanied by the same feelings I had just had at the temple. At the same moment, Justin received confirmation that Thomas S. Monson is a prophet today. And it was just so…amazing. It’s a little humorous at the same time….To get the answer…all it took was a little faith. I could have done that months ago! I was so comforted and overwhelmed with peace and love that this was all good. It was all true. It was all right.
Justin and I were baptized on March 30, 2013 by our friend, Bob. Most of the missionaries who taught us were in attendance and our current Elders, Elder Hernandez and Elder Getts I could tell worked hard to make the experience a very spiritual one for us. The entire ceremony was beautiful. Our speakers did an amazing job and the Spirit that everyone brought and invited was strong and sweet. The turnout was so great that we had to move the services into the chapel, which ended up being filled with people.
Following the actual baptism itself, I reflected on the feeling that filled my soul. Freedom. The feeling that was so overwhelmingly filling my heart was one of liberty, one of freedom. I thought that was an interesting, yet powerful feeling. The Scriptures tell us that “the truth shall make you free“(John 8:32). Perhaps what I was feeling entering my soul was truth, pure, undeniable truth.
As the day progressed I thought more of what baptism actually signified. Certainly, being immersed in water signified a washing away of sin…which furthers the feeling of freedom that it brought. Galations 5:1 tells us “Stand fast therefore in the liberty wherewith Christ hath made us free, and be not entangled again with the yoke of bondage.”
The Atonement makes us free, we no longer have to be slaves to sin, but are instead slaves to Christ. “But now being made free from sin, and become servants to God, ye have your fruit unto holiness, and the end everlasting life.” What exactly does this mean? It means that having been freed from sin through the Atonement, we become slaves to God, the benefit of which is eternal life, having been made holy through Christ’s blood. I ask…Is there anything more liberating than this?
We are given a new life. A beautiful life. To know that we are set free from the world, we are set free from sin, we are set free from our flesh and are given the opportunity to walk by faith in Christ is a liberating feeling.
I am so overjoyed about the decision Justin and I have made. I know the path may be difficult at times, but I know that by the gift of the Holy Ghost we will never be alone in the journey. I know that as we strive towards righteousness by keeping the commandments, our journey will be well worth it.
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